After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
