I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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