I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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