I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
