the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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