Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
