I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
