Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
