the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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