I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
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