I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
