No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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