i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
