If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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