Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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