fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i dont even know how to be here
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
