my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
