The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
