yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
