Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
organizing the empties. That sober.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
