i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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