I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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