highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
