i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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