I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
