while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
