Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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