have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
