I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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