is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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