Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
