there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
