Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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