so explain again why im purple
no
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
