So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
