I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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