My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
