and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
