Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
