I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
