dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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