Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
