Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
