Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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