I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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