What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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