I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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