I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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