I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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