If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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