Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
