i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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