When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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