just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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