do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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