My room smells like vodka and shame
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
