I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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