operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
