We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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