My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize